When each of my children were born, I had a song that would play over and over in my head. Almost as if the Lord placed it there to “get me through” the labor. With Ava, it was “In Christ Alone”. For Abigail it was “ ‘Tis So Sweet (to trust in Jesus)”. And with Benjamin it was, “It is well (with my soul)”. Little did I know how much that song would challenge me in the coming weeks.
As the first 48 hours of Ben’s life progressed I found myself wondering, but “ Is it well?” Each day over the next week and a half it felt like we were learning something new about our son. Each new thing we learned was often something we had never heard of. Esophageal atresia? Tracheoesphageal fistula? Bi-lateral radial dysplasia? Then there was also the unknown: What was his brain function going to be? Was he strong enough to fight the infection that took over his little body? And the ever-present question in my mind: Will he make it? Will my son survive? Will he be here to live the full life my heart longed for him to have? And so the question filled my mind again, “Is it well?” Was my soul willing to rest and trust in the Lord and His plan not only for Benjamin but for my entire family? Was I able to say no matter what happens, I trust you? The answer wavered. I wasn’t always sure that I had the strength to be the mama that this little guy needed. I never questioned God as to why Benjamin was born with VACTERL, I did trust that He made Ben perfectly in his image. What I did wonder was, “Why do you think I am strong enough to do this? To be his mama? “ The answer didn’t come.
As the days turned into weeks and the weeks into months, I began to realize this new journey I was on with this sweet child was not a sprint. No, it was going to be a marathon. A marathon with hurdles. A marathon with checkpoints. Some of which we sailed through and never looked back! Some of which we circle back towards as we learn how to better care for our son. I still find myself wondering sometimes, “ Is it well?” Is it well when my son was born premature and spent the first 3 ½ months of his life in the NICU? Is it well when he had to be re-admitted just 2 ½ weeks after his initial discharge because his esophagus was narrowing in on itself? Is it well when my 2 daughters would cry at night because their mama wasn’t home and it had been 5 days since they had seen me? Is it well when my husband is pulling double duty as daddy and mama? Is it well when we thought we had lost our son? In each of the moments, I wasn’t 100% sure of the answer. Looking back, however, I can see Jesus walking right beside me. Sometimes holding my hand, sometimes holding me up, and always holding my heart in His hands. And what I can tell you now is, yes, it is well.
*I originally posted this on my Facebook page. My husband suggested it would make a good first post, especially since the blog was named after it.